“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.