Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
You Might Also Like
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.