God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
LOOOOOOL