Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
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“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Don’t we all.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance