bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
my astrological sign is a french fry
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.