[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.