[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.