Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
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“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
an airline just for babies.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.