How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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Pizza is an emotion right?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now