Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!