The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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According to math, I’m broke
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.