Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You Might Also Like
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
gentlemen, hear me out
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.