[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*