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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Have kids, they said
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster