Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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Happy thanksgiving
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy