the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter