*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
😅🤣😂