Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You Might Also Like
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single