I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You Might Also Like
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Go hard or stay average
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Well, this explains it:
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out