Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.