if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently