COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
“just sayin” who asked you though?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away