Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.