GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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I would like even faster food.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it