What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
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Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
me linking you to my twitter
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
You deplete me
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.