Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
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Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Pikachu found the lost joint
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”