beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.