My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Taliband
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The French word for sex is croissant.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead