Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you