I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
asking santa clause for nudes
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.