Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.