Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.