When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened