My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Sorry. Not sorry
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Oh my God.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.