Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.