Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
translated into Canadian