I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap