My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.