My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.