Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.