UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Where’s my employee discount too?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
You better watch out
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
#SCOTUS one-star review
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I drew y’all a little something.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Kermit goes Blue.