My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Good advice.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.