Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Beauty and the Beast
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.