Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.