coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that