Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
The 6 types of sex
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: