9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
is it earth
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
can’t talk my ride’s here
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!