If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.