Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?