Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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I have questions??
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
🚲+physics = winner
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg